Befriending People

Right now, I am up in Danville, CA visiting some of my really good girlfriends from college. Let me just say, I am in HEAVEN. I love it here and I love seeing my friends. I even extended my trip four days. But what I love most about being up here is seeing my friends, and seeing them with their friends. All of these people have known each other for their whole lives and so they are like a huge family. But they aren't the type of people that have to know you for ten years before you can hangout with them. I came up this weekend and fit in automatically. They didn't care that I am not even from Danville, they are just really nice and cool people that are interested in meeting new people. It is such a relief and I love it.

It is just so different because when I moved to Bakersfield I felt like I was the new kid that no one wanted to hang out with because I didn't go to pre-school with them. Everyone I went to junior high with were completely rude about the fact that I was a new kid and no one gave me a chance. It wasn't until half way through high school I that I found people that didn't care that I hadn't grown up in Bakersfield. I just wish that people could be more open and nice in Bakersfield. Really though, people that live in Stockdale estates and Old Stockdale are complete bitches and made my first few years in Bako hell. I don't understand why they are so mean and think they are so much better then everyone else?

Anyways, I am thoroughly enjoying my trip up here. I was actually only supposed to be here four days, but then I talked to my dad and told him I didn't want to leave yet so be told me I could stay for a while longer. Jerie was really upset when I called her, but whatever, she'll get over it. The weather here is perfect, the people are amazing and it is absolutely gorgeous! They live in a kinda mountainous area, but its like a city at the bottom of a mountain. There are trees and hills every where and I really want to live here. I know just want to grow up and make a lot of money just so I can live in Danville. I LOVE IT HERE. It is simply amazing and I am so thankful my dad and Jerie let me come.

I'm Home

Just a quick little update:

I'm home finally! I have been home for almost a week and it has been a very long and busy week. My family came up to visit (the WHOLE family) and Jerie's family was here as well, so we had about 25 people at my house on Saturday. It was crazy and chaotic but it was nice to see MY family. Then my dad left on Monday and I spent the whole day crying. I was so sad and I am going to miss him so much. But since Monday I have just been unpacking and trying to find a job. If anyone wants to get lunch or something time I would be down! Call me anytime now that I am home!

Home for the Summer

When it dawned on me that I had to start packing and actually prepare to go home, get a job and spend the whole summer in Bakersfield, I got kinda upset and really depressed. I did not want to go back to Bakersfield-- I didn't think there was anything left for me there. I was just looking it as, "I'm gonna work, live alone with Jerie and hang out with four people all summer". Not exactly my idea of a great summer. But then as time has come closer to me actually moving back (I move out of the dorms tomorrow) I am super excited. I'm actually way excited to be coming back to Bakersfield. As weird as this sounds, it is completely true.

I didn't really think I would hang out with anyone other than Debbie, Austin, Alex and Zach, but come to think of it, I have so many friends to hang out with! I have all, well almost all of, my friends from high school to hang out with, I just need to call them. As awkward as it might be the first time to call them after a whole school year away, I know that it will be so worth it. Not only do I have my friends from school, but I have my friends from church. Although I haven't talked to them in like two years, they are still my friends. Now that I know for sure that they don't care anymore about what I have done and that they don't care that I am not like them, I feel so much more comfortable hanging out with them. I feel like I just needed to accept my actions and be okay with them before I would believe that anyone else would be okay with them. Now, I am positive everyone else is okay with them, and if they aren't then I don't have to hang out with them.

Not only do I have people to hang out with, but I have so much to do. Realistically I will not be working every day and on my days off there is nothing stopping me from driving to the beach, or going to Magic Mountain or just hanging out with my friends. There is so much that I can do this summer and I just need to take advantage of it. If I don't work one weekend I could always go down and spend it with my Oma. I would love to spend more time with her. I would also love to drive down and spend more time with my sister and her daughter. The possibilities are endless and I am pretty amped to discover new things that are available to me this year.

I think really what has changed is that I am not being so negative about all of this anymore. I changed my perspective and I am glad I am coming back now. I was really dreading the thought of coming home before, but now I am happy. The only thing that I am not happy about is the fact that I will not get to see my dad basically at all. But there is nothing I can do about that, so I just need to get over it and learn to deal with it. Jerie and I are going to work on our relationship and I am going to try my hardest to get along with her. There is no reason we should not get along anymore and it is just so much easier not being mad at her. I really just want to try every day to understand her and not get so upset at her so quickly. She is going through a lot right now as well and she is really busy with the house so I just need to understand that she gets stressed out and be patient. I really think that this might work and that things will get better between us... at least I hope!

But I am excited to be home and I am so excited to see everyone!

Daddy Pt. 2

My dad will be home this friday!! I am so excited to see him... which wont be for another 2 1/2 weeks unfortunately. Him and Jerie are going to come and pick me up from school on the 12th and then we are heading up to the Grand Canyon then home. They are spending a week in The Grand Caymons so instead of picking me up on the 8th they are picking me up on the 12th. I am totally fine with them picking me up a few days later because the dates I gave Jerie were wrong and so technically it is my fault our times conflict. But as excited as I am to see him I am so sad!! For the past couple of trips he has gone a week early so he has been spending four weeks home, six weeks there, instead of the five weeks on and off. Well he was going to do that again, but they asked him to come in and EXTRA week early, so we he will be home for only three weeks and gone for seven weeks!!!!!!!!

I just want to see my dad. I miss him. I want nothing more then to see him immediately!!! But the horrible thing about his trip is that I will only get to see my dad for 4 1/2 days while he is home. He is coming to pick me up so I will see him half of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Then he will be fishing with his brothers Friday, Saturday and Sunday and then he leaves on Monday. I get NO time with him while he is home this time and I am so upset.

When I was home for spring break I got to see him for two days only cause he convinced his supervisor to let him stay and extra day or two, but other then that, I have not seen my dad since the beginning of January. I miss him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a horrible breakdown last weekend because I miss him so badly, and now I will only get to see him for four days before he leaves for seven weeks! Thats almost two months!!!!!!!!! The only good thing is that after he gets back from the seven weeks, he should be home for the rest of my stay at home as long as nothing changes.

Jerie tried to calm me down by telling me that its not that big of a deal, but in reality, its a HUGE deal. Its not as bad for her as it is for me. Last time he was home she got four solid weeks with him practically alone. I got to see him for two days! This time he's home, she will get three solid weeks with him; two of which will be completely alone! I get to see him for four days! To me, this is a bigger deal than she thinks it is. Not only does she get to see him more, she talks to him EVERY day. The only time I get to talk to my dad is when I ask him to call me. I have to ask my dad to call me and he calls her every day. That kills me! The fact that I have to ask my own father to call me when he willingly calls his wife every day is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I should not have to ask my dad to call me!!

I know there is nothing I can do about him having such little time at home, but that does not make me feel any better. I know that he is working in Oman cause it is good for the family and it is not just a selfish thing on his part, but that does not help either. I just want to see him more then anything right now and I think I should be able to be upset that I wont get to see him hardly at all. I also know that as I get older and start my own life and my own family it wont be that big of a deal that I dont get to see him all the time, but thats not now, and that doesnt help anything. I took for granted the time I had with him when I actually lived with him and it eats at me every day. Now that I don't get to see him it makes me really sad.

Basically I just wish my dad didnt have to go in so early so we could spend more time with him. I miss him and I just want to spend some time with him.

Instant Gratification

So I have been having a hard time lately with everything basically and I am just so ready to come home. I am sick of living in the dorms and living with these people. But long story short, I had a complete melt down the other night. It was so bad I ended up calling Jerie at 1 am balling my eyes out. It finally just hit me how upset I am here (Thanks God I only have three weeks left) just how much I miss my dad and Jerie and being home. But I was writing an email to my dad and it just slapped me across the face. So I just started balling and I figured the only person that would truly understand how I was feeling about missing my dad was Jerie. Thankfully she answered the phone and we were able to talk. We had an amazing heart to heart and she definitely made me feel better. But there was one thing in particular that we talked about. We talked about how I am having a hard time being here because I am not seeing the benefits of being at school right now. Therefore, I feel completely useless because I am not getting instant gratification. But then to add on to what Jerie and I talked about, my dad emailed me back and told me that one of my problems is that I am so used to the instant gratification and I haven't had that.



In high school everything I did I saw direct and instant results. There was a constant gratification because I had so much to look at the I had accomplished and I had done. I felt like I had a place in high school and I was comfortable and happy there. I knew that I had something new to do every week and that people would see what I did. Anything from writing for the newspaper, cheering at a game, making posters or anything else I was always needed for something and I was useful. But since I have been at college I have not been needed like I have been used to and I haven't felt useful at all. I feel like I have been doing nothing with my life because I have not been able to help other people. I have been sitting in my dorm room everyday being lazy and doing nothing useful.



Not only am I used to the instant gratification because of high school, but everything around me produces instant gratification. I am instantly able to talk to someone just by punching a few keys on my phone. I am instantly able to "catch-up" with my friends by logging on to Facebook or MySpace and I am instantly able to talk to my dad who is half way around the world just by sending him and email. There are all these things in my life and provide instant gratification. Even if its not gratification it is instant results. Fast food, Cell phones, TiVo, ATMs, and everything else in this world.



I have come to expect things instantly and I have become so impatient when I do not get things the second I want them. Even simple things like waiting in a line has become tedious and I find myself constantly trying to find the shortest line so that I can easily and quickly get onto the next thing. Everything has to be done instantly and when its not I get so annoyed and just frustrated. But then again, who in this world isnt used to the instant gratification and instant results? That is the kind of world we live in now and it is really sad. Why cant we just be fine when things are not done instantly? It makes me sad and I wish I had an answer and was able to fix it but I can't. As much as I full heartedly believe that I need to become more patient I know I am going to have the hardest time trying to be patient. It is such a horrible characteristic and I am going to try so badly to not be so impatient.

Summer = Work :(

So I get out of school in like four weeks and I am supposed to come home and work over the summer. Lets just say I do not find any enjoyment in the idea of me being stuck in Bakersfield for three months working! It is not that I don't want to work, it is just that I don't really want to be in Bakersfield and I don't want to do something that I know I am totally going to hate! I don't think I would mind working if I could work at a book store or babysitting kids all summer, but those jobs are extremely hard to get! I definitely do not want to work at fast food place or in retail... especially at the mall! Those jobs just sound so horrible and I would hate working there. I guess working at a cute little boutique downtown would not be bad... but lets face it, I am not a size -2! I know I probably shouldnt be so picky about working this summer, but I just have no desire to work.

All I want to do is travel!! I want to travel so much this summer and experience so much. I want to be able to drive up and see my friends when I want, I want to be able to go to the beach on a whim, and I want to do stuff right now I know I wont be able to soon. Right now I have nothing tying me down and nothing making me stay in one place so why not take the time to travel and still have fun? Bakersfield has nothing to offer me and the rest of the world offers me everything! I know that I am going to have to settle down soon and actually become responsible-- I just want to enjoy my last summer of being young. As soon as the summer is over I will be back at school and working and that will be my life for the rest of my life.

I wouldn't mind working somewhere where I only had to work three or four days a week but where would that be? Plus, just starting out and knowing I will only be working for the summer there is no way I will get any vacation time, and I need that! We have planned a family vacation in July that is about two weeks so what am I supposed to do then; quit? I am happy I am going on vacation with the family in July, but we are roadtripping it through Arizona, Utah and Colorado-- I've already been there and have already experienced all of it! I want to travel the world and learn about it and the cultures and everything everyone else has to offer. There is so much to learn and so much to see and I just want to do it.

My dad pretty much laughed at me when I spoke to him about it, but he just doesn't understand. He doesn't understand my unhappiness about being stuck in the same place and having nothing to look forward to. He gets to do whatever he wants and travels half way around the world for work. He isn't stuck in a rut with no way to get out. Plus, I think of all times to ask my dad for something this is the only time I have deserved to ask. He let me do basically whatever I wanted when I was in high school and I never deserved any of it. I never should have been allowed to go to Europe or on the journalism trips, but my dad let me. So why wont he let me travel now?? I even have this great idea that I am going to pitch to him soon: if he lets me travel a little bit during the weeks he is not home, I will stay home and help Jerie with the house. She wants to re-do the yards and she wants to paint and get the new house together. She def. does not want to do it herself and she is always tired when I talk to her, so I think it would be a good idea. Then I could even volunteer somewhere a couple of hours a week (my therapist suggested it) and I would feel like I was doing something useful with my life.

I don't know if I just sound crazy, spoiled, unappreciative or what, but its how I feel. I really just want to become cultured and know about the world rather than just about the western part of America. Maybe because I know first hand how short life is I am having such strong feelings on this issue, but I just really want to travel.

Questionare

Thanks Debbie!!!

What were you doing 5 Years Ago?
1)April 2003... I was trying to survive 8th grade and my dad finding a new girlfriend

What are 5 Things On Your To-do List Today:
1) write part of my paper
2) clean room
3) go to sociology extra credit
4) take sociology quiz
5) SLEEP!!!!

Name 5 Snacks That You Enjoy:
1) chocolate
2) fruit... right now I fancy either grapes or pineapple.
3) laughing cow cheese with wheat thins
4) celery/carrots and ranch
5) beef jerky

Name 3 Bad Habits You Have:
1) major procrastination!!!!
2) finding "better" things to do than what is really important or needs to be done.
3) making excuses for myself so I don't feel so guilty about failing at something.

If you were a billionaire...
1) pay for college
2) buy a beach house
3) buy some clothes
4) TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5) buy too much stuff
6) TRY to invest

List 5 places You've Lived:
1) Bakersfield, CA
2) Tempe, AZ
3) Orem, UT
4) Price, UT
5) Payson, UT

List 5 Jobs That You've Had
1) Babysitter for Aldrige family
2) Baby sitter for Seaney Family
3) Cheer coach for Roustabouts Cheer
4)
5)

List 5 Things That People Don't Know About You:
1) I'm scared I am going to fail at life
2) I hate the internet
3) I miss my dad more than anyone in the world
4) I judge almost everyone that walks by me... but not on purpose, it has just become habit
5) I love the way bruises feel... but I hate getting them.

Just Friends

Its always the strangest feeling when you are finally able to view a guy you used to like as just a friend. The transition to liking them so much to all of a sudden just wanting to be their friend. I guess there will always be some sort of feelings for them, but for the most part you are completely happy just being their friend.

I'm only thinking about his because there is this boy that I met a few months ago here at school. The first second I met him I knew I was going to like him. I thought he was so cute and he seemed like such a chill person! Before I started hanging out with him on a regular basis I came up with excuses to go into his room... I know, I'm a loser! But then once I started hanging out with him and getting to know him I really did start to like him. We have so much in common and he is so different then any other boy I know. I actually kinda trust him which is so weird! Anyways, I really started to like him, so I started to get really nervous around him. Whenever I would say goodbye I would get too nervous to hug him, and I always felt like I was saying to most retarded things when I was with him.

I have been confused the whole time I have known him about whether he likes me or not. He sends the most mixed signals in the entire world and its so hard to read him. Some times he says something and I'm like "Yeah he like me" and then others i tell myself "No, there is no way he likes me!" Its kind of like that Sex and the City episode where Carrie is trying to figure out what is going on between her and Aiden. (I can't believe I just made a SatC reference. HAHA!) Anyways, its been extremely difficult to figure him out. Plus, I would never ask him, I am such a chicken when it comes to talking to people about stuff like that. I just think it makes everything awkward and there is no way in hell I would ever ask him how he feels about me. It was also difficult because we were always with his roommate and our friend that I introduced them to. I swear, the three of them were attached at the hip!!!

So when I was finally able to hang out with him alone I was so excited. We hung out of like three hours and just talked about so much. I talked to him about a lot of things I dint talk to anyone else about, and it felt really nice. I was a little disappointed to say the least when he didn't kiss me that night. I couldn't understand why and I was just so confused. But then a few nights later we hung out alone until like 4 AM and he still didn't try kissing me.

I think that is when I realized that maybe he just doesn't like me the way I wish he would. So then once I made that realization I started to let things that normally wouldn't bother me bother me. I starting thinking about some of the things he says and realized how much they annoy me. As a friend I don't really care that much about it, but I would never be able to deal with it if we were dating. When I'm telling a story and say something like "One time Megan and I..." he always goes "Okay cause I know who Megan is" and it annoys the shit out of me. I don't need him to know who Megan is except for purpose of the story. I don't expect him to know everyone that I know, I just need him to know who else is in the story. If I was limited to telling him only stories about people we both knew then I would have no stories to tell him! But that is just one thing that bugs me about him.

Anyways, I have finally just got to this point where I am okay just being his friend. If something more happens by chance in the future then I will not complain, but now I don't need to be so nervous around him. He is just a friend and I don't even know why I was nervous to begin with, he has always been just a friend. But I'm glad that now I can actually appreciate his friendship and enjoy it instead of wishing and hoping for something more.

Daddy

So I am supposed to fly home for Spring Break in a little over a week, and I was SO SO SO excited!!! I know, me being excited about being home is really weird, but I had good reason to be (which might come as a shock to anyone who knows me), my dad was going to be home! My dad works in Oman (a country located southeast of Saudi Arabia) and is home every other five weeks. Well my SB happened to land on the last week that my dad would be home before he left again. I cancelled my plans to spend SB in Mexico with a bunch of friends so I could come home. We even made plans to go up to San Francisco and everything!!

I was so happy and excited because I miss my dad. I miss him so much and it just makes me cry. Anyways, I called him today to talk about some stuff for the summer when he told me some devastating news-- He is leaving for work a week early. His boss person called him today and asked him to come in a week early, which means I will most likely not get to see him until May! He said he was going to talk to him work and see if he could leave the day after I get home so that I can at least see him, but still... I just want to hang out with him and spend some time with him.

When I was home over Christmas break life was perfect. I did not get in one fight with my parents, and life was just so much fun. I have finally learned how to appreciate my parents and I have finally allowed myself to trust them. I just wish that I could spend some time with my dad. I miss him so much and it kills me now that I hardly ever get to see him. When he first got home I almost asked him if I could come home for a weekend before SB but I knew he would say no and so I didn't even ask him, but now I wish I would have.

I just wish I could see my dad more often. I miss him and I love him. It makes me sad knowing that we have a decent relationship now and we cant even spend anytime together. I hope that I get to see him for at least a day when I go home. If not I don't get to see him until May, and that will kill me!

Other Peoples Lives

So my good friend got one of these blogs and so I started reading it. I even made it one of my home pages just so I could easily read about what was going on in her life. She never thinks her life is interesting or that great, but I love reading all of her blogs. I have read every single blog she has posted, on here and on Myspace. There is just something about reading about someone elses life that just makes me put mine into perspective. We both deal with very different situations in our lives, but I still feel like I have so much to learn from what she writes. I am very grateful I have a friend that is so open about things she only wishes people cared about. Im happy that I can be one of her friends that actually cares enough to read it, cause she's an amazing person!

Along with reading other people's blogs, I love walking down the street and passing people, only so I can listen to their conversations. I love hearing only a sentance or so and imagining the rest of their conversation. I was walking out of the dorms the other day and this girl was on the phone and all I heard was, "Well you need to ask him if you guys are just hook up buddies, dating, or if you guys are just friends." It was like 11 AM and it was just the funniest thing! Who talks about that that early, and in such a public place? It really is so much fun just trying to finish their conversations for them. It then makes me think I'm not the only weird one in this world.

Although I love doing both of those things, my true joy in life is just people watching. I love just sitting down on a bench or anyways basically that is really busy and just watching people. I know it sounds creepy, but its so much fun. My friend and I made up this game where we would pick out a person, observe them for a few minutes or whatever and then make up a story for their life. I feel like I am five again and these people are just characters in this book I call life. The other day I was sitting in the middle of the Hayden Lawn during the World Festival that ASU was hosting and it was the most spectacular thing I have EVER seen! There were people from all different countries and cultures and I almost started crying. Seeing how everyone interacted with each other and seeing all the different people and different activities was so magical. I am truly blessed to have witness something so amazing.

I know all of this sounds so extremely corny, or even a little creepy, but I dont care. I am so interested in other peoples lives because part of me is a little envious of them. My life is so chaotic and confusing and just complicated. I like to imagine that one day I could truly be happy like some of the people I see. But at the same time, I realize that everyone has crazy, chaotic lives and it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one!