Just Friends

Its always the strangest feeling when you are finally able to view a guy you used to like as just a friend. The transition to liking them so much to all of a sudden just wanting to be their friend. I guess there will always be some sort of feelings for them, but for the most part you are completely happy just being their friend.

I'm only thinking about his because there is this boy that I met a few months ago here at school. The first second I met him I knew I was going to like him. I thought he was so cute and he seemed like such a chill person! Before I started hanging out with him on a regular basis I came up with excuses to go into his room... I know, I'm a loser! But then once I started hanging out with him and getting to know him I really did start to like him. We have so much in common and he is so different then any other boy I know. I actually kinda trust him which is so weird! Anyways, I really started to like him, so I started to get really nervous around him. Whenever I would say goodbye I would get too nervous to hug him, and I always felt like I was saying to most retarded things when I was with him.

I have been confused the whole time I have known him about whether he likes me or not. He sends the most mixed signals in the entire world and its so hard to read him. Some times he says something and I'm like "Yeah he like me" and then others i tell myself "No, there is no way he likes me!" Its kind of like that Sex and the City episode where Carrie is trying to figure out what is going on between her and Aiden. (I can't believe I just made a SatC reference. HAHA!) Anyways, its been extremely difficult to figure him out. Plus, I would never ask him, I am such a chicken when it comes to talking to people about stuff like that. I just think it makes everything awkward and there is no way in hell I would ever ask him how he feels about me. It was also difficult because we were always with his roommate and our friend that I introduced them to. I swear, the three of them were attached at the hip!!!

So when I was finally able to hang out with him alone I was so excited. We hung out of like three hours and just talked about so much. I talked to him about a lot of things I dint talk to anyone else about, and it felt really nice. I was a little disappointed to say the least when he didn't kiss me that night. I couldn't understand why and I was just so confused. But then a few nights later we hung out alone until like 4 AM and he still didn't try kissing me.

I think that is when I realized that maybe he just doesn't like me the way I wish he would. So then once I made that realization I started to let things that normally wouldn't bother me bother me. I starting thinking about some of the things he says and realized how much they annoy me. As a friend I don't really care that much about it, but I would never be able to deal with it if we were dating. When I'm telling a story and say something like "One time Megan and I..." he always goes "Okay cause I know who Megan is" and it annoys the shit out of me. I don't need him to know who Megan is except for purpose of the story. I don't expect him to know everyone that I know, I just need him to know who else is in the story. If I was limited to telling him only stories about people we both knew then I would have no stories to tell him! But that is just one thing that bugs me about him.

Anyways, I have finally just got to this point where I am okay just being his friend. If something more happens by chance in the future then I will not complain, but now I don't need to be so nervous around him. He is just a friend and I don't even know why I was nervous to begin with, he has always been just a friend. But I'm glad that now I can actually appreciate his friendship and enjoy it instead of wishing and hoping for something more.

Daddy

So I am supposed to fly home for Spring Break in a little over a week, and I was SO SO SO excited!!! I know, me being excited about being home is really weird, but I had good reason to be (which might come as a shock to anyone who knows me), my dad was going to be home! My dad works in Oman (a country located southeast of Saudi Arabia) and is home every other five weeks. Well my SB happened to land on the last week that my dad would be home before he left again. I cancelled my plans to spend SB in Mexico with a bunch of friends so I could come home. We even made plans to go up to San Francisco and everything!!

I was so happy and excited because I miss my dad. I miss him so much and it just makes me cry. Anyways, I called him today to talk about some stuff for the summer when he told me some devastating news-- He is leaving for work a week early. His boss person called him today and asked him to come in a week early, which means I will most likely not get to see him until May! He said he was going to talk to him work and see if he could leave the day after I get home so that I can at least see him, but still... I just want to hang out with him and spend some time with him.

When I was home over Christmas break life was perfect. I did not get in one fight with my parents, and life was just so much fun. I have finally learned how to appreciate my parents and I have finally allowed myself to trust them. I just wish that I could spend some time with my dad. I miss him so much and it kills me now that I hardly ever get to see him. When he first got home I almost asked him if I could come home for a weekend before SB but I knew he would say no and so I didn't even ask him, but now I wish I would have.

I just wish I could see my dad more often. I miss him and I love him. It makes me sad knowing that we have a decent relationship now and we cant even spend anytime together. I hope that I get to see him for at least a day when I go home. If not I don't get to see him until May, and that will kill me!

Other Peoples Lives

So my good friend got one of these blogs and so I started reading it. I even made it one of my home pages just so I could easily read about what was going on in her life. She never thinks her life is interesting or that great, but I love reading all of her blogs. I have read every single blog she has posted, on here and on Myspace. There is just something about reading about someone elses life that just makes me put mine into perspective. We both deal with very different situations in our lives, but I still feel like I have so much to learn from what she writes. I am very grateful I have a friend that is so open about things she only wishes people cared about. Im happy that I can be one of her friends that actually cares enough to read it, cause she's an amazing person!

Along with reading other people's blogs, I love walking down the street and passing people, only so I can listen to their conversations. I love hearing only a sentance or so and imagining the rest of their conversation. I was walking out of the dorms the other day and this girl was on the phone and all I heard was, "Well you need to ask him if you guys are just hook up buddies, dating, or if you guys are just friends." It was like 11 AM and it was just the funniest thing! Who talks about that that early, and in such a public place? It really is so much fun just trying to finish their conversations for them. It then makes me think I'm not the only weird one in this world.

Although I love doing both of those things, my true joy in life is just people watching. I love just sitting down on a bench or anyways basically that is really busy and just watching people. I know it sounds creepy, but its so much fun. My friend and I made up this game where we would pick out a person, observe them for a few minutes or whatever and then make up a story for their life. I feel like I am five again and these people are just characters in this book I call life. The other day I was sitting in the middle of the Hayden Lawn during the World Festival that ASU was hosting and it was the most spectacular thing I have EVER seen! There were people from all different countries and cultures and I almost started crying. Seeing how everyone interacted with each other and seeing all the different people and different activities was so magical. I am truly blessed to have witness something so amazing.

I know all of this sounds so extremely corny, or even a little creepy, but I dont care. I am so interested in other peoples lives because part of me is a little envious of them. My life is so chaotic and confusing and just complicated. I like to imagine that one day I could truly be happy like some of the people I see. But at the same time, I realize that everyone has crazy, chaotic lives and it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one!