My dad will be home this friday!! I am so excited to see him... which wont be for another 2 1/2 weeks unfortunately. Him and Jerie are going to come and pick me up from school on the 12th and then we are heading up to the Grand Canyon then home. They are spending a week in The Grand Caymons so instead of picking me up on the 8th they are picking me up on the 12th. I am totally fine with them picking me up a few days later because the dates I gave Jerie were wrong and so technically it is my fault our times conflict. But as excited as I am to see him I am so sad!! For the past couple of trips he has gone a week early so he has been spending four weeks home, six weeks there, instead of the five weeks on and off. Well he was going to do that again, but they asked him to come in and EXTRA week early, so we he will be home for only three weeks and gone for seven weeks!!!!!!!!
I just want to see my dad. I miss him. I want nothing more then to see him immediately!!! But the horrible thing about his trip is that I will only get to see my dad for 4 1/2 days while he is home. He is coming to pick me up so I will see him half of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Then he will be fishing with his brothers Friday, Saturday and Sunday and then he leaves on Monday. I get NO time with him while he is home this time and I am so upset.
When I was home for spring break I got to see him for two days only cause he convinced his supervisor to let him stay and extra day or two, but other then that, I have not seen my dad since the beginning of January. I miss him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a horrible breakdown last weekend because I miss him so badly, and now I will only get to see him for four days before he leaves for seven weeks! Thats almost two months!!!!!!!!! The only good thing is that after he gets back from the seven weeks, he should be home for the rest of my stay at home as long as nothing changes.
Jerie tried to calm me down by telling me that its not that big of a deal, but in reality, its a HUGE deal. Its not as bad for her as it is for me. Last time he was home she got four solid weeks with him practically alone. I got to see him for two days! This time he's home, she will get three solid weeks with him; two of which will be completely alone! I get to see him for four days! To me, this is a bigger deal than she thinks it is. Not only does she get to see him more, she talks to him EVERY day. The only time I get to talk to my dad is when I ask him to call me. I have to ask my dad to call me and he calls her every day. That kills me! The fact that I have to ask my own father to call me when he willingly calls his wife every day is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I should not have to ask my dad to call me!!
I know there is nothing I can do about him having such little time at home, but that does not make me feel any better. I know that he is working in Oman cause it is good for the family and it is not just a selfish thing on his part, but that does not help either. I just want to see him more then anything right now and I think I should be able to be upset that I wont get to see him hardly at all. I also know that as I get older and start my own life and my own family it wont be that big of a deal that I dont get to see him all the time, but thats not now, and that doesnt help anything. I took for granted the time I had with him when I actually lived with him and it eats at me every day. Now that I don't get to see him it makes me really sad.
Basically I just wish my dad didnt have to go in so early so we could spend more time with him. I miss him and I just want to spend some time with him.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Instant Gratification
So I have been having a hard time lately with everything basically and I am just so ready to come home. I am sick of living in the dorms and living with these people. But long story short, I had a complete melt down the other night. It was so bad I ended up calling Jerie at 1 am balling my eyes out. It finally just hit me how upset I am here (Thanks God I only have three weeks left) just how much I miss my dad and Jerie and being home. But I was writing an email to my dad and it just slapped me across the face. So I just started balling and I figured the only person that would truly understand how I was feeling about missing my dad was Jerie. Thankfully she answered the phone and we were able to talk. We had an amazing heart to heart and she definitely made me feel better. But there was one thing in particular that we talked about. We talked about how I am having a hard time being here because I am not seeing the benefits of being at school right now. Therefore, I feel completely useless because I am not getting instant gratification. But then to add on to what Jerie and I talked about, my dad emailed me back and told me that one of my problems is that I am so used to the instant gratification and I haven't had that.
In high school everything I did I saw direct and instant results. There was a constant gratification because I had so much to look at the I had accomplished and I had done. I felt like I had a place in high school and I was comfortable and happy there. I knew that I had something new to do every week and that people would see what I did. Anything from writing for the newspaper, cheering at a game, making posters or anything else I was always needed for something and I was useful. But since I have been at college I have not been needed like I have been used to and I haven't felt useful at all. I feel like I have been doing nothing with my life because I have not been able to help other people. I have been sitting in my dorm room everyday being lazy and doing nothing useful.
Not only am I used to the instant gratification because of high school, but everything around me produces instant gratification. I am instantly able to talk to someone just by punching a few keys on my phone. I am instantly able to "catch-up" with my friends by logging on to Facebook or MySpace and I am instantly able to talk to my dad who is half way around the world just by sending him and email. There are all these things in my life and provide instant gratification. Even if its not gratification it is instant results. Fast food, Cell phones, TiVo, ATMs, and everything else in this world.
I have come to expect things instantly and I have become so impatient when I do not get things the second I want them. Even simple things like waiting in a line has become tedious and I find myself constantly trying to find the shortest line so that I can easily and quickly get onto the next thing. Everything has to be done instantly and when its not I get so annoyed and just frustrated. But then again, who in this world isnt used to the instant gratification and instant results? That is the kind of world we live in now and it is really sad. Why cant we just be fine when things are not done instantly? It makes me sad and I wish I had an answer and was able to fix it but I can't. As much as I full heartedly believe that I need to become more patient I know I am going to have the hardest time trying to be patient. It is such a horrible characteristic and I am going to try so badly to not be so impatient.
In high school everything I did I saw direct and instant results. There was a constant gratification because I had so much to look at the I had accomplished and I had done. I felt like I had a place in high school and I was comfortable and happy there. I knew that I had something new to do every week and that people would see what I did. Anything from writing for the newspaper, cheering at a game, making posters or anything else I was always needed for something and I was useful. But since I have been at college I have not been needed like I have been used to and I haven't felt useful at all. I feel like I have been doing nothing with my life because I have not been able to help other people. I have been sitting in my dorm room everyday being lazy and doing nothing useful.
Not only am I used to the instant gratification because of high school, but everything around me produces instant gratification. I am instantly able to talk to someone just by punching a few keys on my phone. I am instantly able to "catch-up" with my friends by logging on to Facebook or MySpace and I am instantly able to talk to my dad who is half way around the world just by sending him and email. There are all these things in my life and provide instant gratification. Even if its not gratification it is instant results. Fast food, Cell phones, TiVo, ATMs, and everything else in this world.
I have come to expect things instantly and I have become so impatient when I do not get things the second I want them. Even simple things like waiting in a line has become tedious and I find myself constantly trying to find the shortest line so that I can easily and quickly get onto the next thing. Everything has to be done instantly and when its not I get so annoyed and just frustrated. But then again, who in this world isnt used to the instant gratification and instant results? That is the kind of world we live in now and it is really sad. Why cant we just be fine when things are not done instantly? It makes me sad and I wish I had an answer and was able to fix it but I can't. As much as I full heartedly believe that I need to become more patient I know I am going to have the hardest time trying to be patient. It is such a horrible characteristic and I am going to try so badly to not be so impatient.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Summer = Work :(
So I get out of school in like four weeks and I am supposed to come home and work over the summer. Lets just say I do not find any enjoyment in the idea of me being stuck in Bakersfield for three months working! It is not that I don't want to work, it is just that I don't really want to be in Bakersfield and I don't want to do something that I know I am totally going to hate! I don't think I would mind working if I could work at a book store or babysitting kids all summer, but those jobs are extremely hard to get! I definitely do not want to work at fast food place or in retail... especially at the mall! Those jobs just sound so horrible and I would hate working there. I guess working at a cute little boutique downtown would not be bad... but lets face it, I am not a size -2! I know I probably shouldnt be so picky about working this summer, but I just have no desire to work.
All I want to do is travel!! I want to travel so much this summer and experience so much. I want to be able to drive up and see my friends when I want, I want to be able to go to the beach on a whim, and I want to do stuff right now I know I wont be able to soon. Right now I have nothing tying me down and nothing making me stay in one place so why not take the time to travel and still have fun? Bakersfield has nothing to offer me and the rest of the world offers me everything! I know that I am going to have to settle down soon and actually become responsible-- I just want to enjoy my last summer of being young. As soon as the summer is over I will be back at school and working and that will be my life for the rest of my life.
I wouldn't mind working somewhere where I only had to work three or four days a week but where would that be? Plus, just starting out and knowing I will only be working for the summer there is no way I will get any vacation time, and I need that! We have planned a family vacation in July that is about two weeks so what am I supposed to do then; quit? I am happy I am going on vacation with the family in July, but we are roadtripping it through Arizona, Utah and Colorado-- I've already been there and have already experienced all of it! I want to travel the world and learn about it and the cultures and everything everyone else has to offer. There is so much to learn and so much to see and I just want to do it.
My dad pretty much laughed at me when I spoke to him about it, but he just doesn't understand. He doesn't understand my unhappiness about being stuck in the same place and having nothing to look forward to. He gets to do whatever he wants and travels half way around the world for work. He isn't stuck in a rut with no way to get out. Plus, I think of all times to ask my dad for something this is the only time I have deserved to ask. He let me do basically whatever I wanted when I was in high school and I never deserved any of it. I never should have been allowed to go to Europe or on the journalism trips, but my dad let me. So why wont he let me travel now?? I even have this great idea that I am going to pitch to him soon: if he lets me travel a little bit during the weeks he is not home, I will stay home and help Jerie with the house. She wants to re-do the yards and she wants to paint and get the new house together. She def. does not want to do it herself and she is always tired when I talk to her, so I think it would be a good idea. Then I could even volunteer somewhere a couple of hours a week (my therapist suggested it) and I would feel like I was doing something useful with my life.
I don't know if I just sound crazy, spoiled, unappreciative or what, but its how I feel. I really just want to become cultured and know about the world rather than just about the western part of America. Maybe because I know first hand how short life is I am having such strong feelings on this issue, but I just really want to travel.
All I want to do is travel!! I want to travel so much this summer and experience so much. I want to be able to drive up and see my friends when I want, I want to be able to go to the beach on a whim, and I want to do stuff right now I know I wont be able to soon. Right now I have nothing tying me down and nothing making me stay in one place so why not take the time to travel and still have fun? Bakersfield has nothing to offer me and the rest of the world offers me everything! I know that I am going to have to settle down soon and actually become responsible-- I just want to enjoy my last summer of being young. As soon as the summer is over I will be back at school and working and that will be my life for the rest of my life.
I wouldn't mind working somewhere where I only had to work three or four days a week but where would that be? Plus, just starting out and knowing I will only be working for the summer there is no way I will get any vacation time, and I need that! We have planned a family vacation in July that is about two weeks so what am I supposed to do then; quit? I am happy I am going on vacation with the family in July, but we are roadtripping it through Arizona, Utah and Colorado-- I've already been there and have already experienced all of it! I want to travel the world and learn about it and the cultures and everything everyone else has to offer. There is so much to learn and so much to see and I just want to do it.
My dad pretty much laughed at me when I spoke to him about it, but he just doesn't understand. He doesn't understand my unhappiness about being stuck in the same place and having nothing to look forward to. He gets to do whatever he wants and travels half way around the world for work. He isn't stuck in a rut with no way to get out. Plus, I think of all times to ask my dad for something this is the only time I have deserved to ask. He let me do basically whatever I wanted when I was in high school and I never deserved any of it. I never should have been allowed to go to Europe or on the journalism trips, but my dad let me. So why wont he let me travel now?? I even have this great idea that I am going to pitch to him soon: if he lets me travel a little bit during the weeks he is not home, I will stay home and help Jerie with the house. She wants to re-do the yards and she wants to paint and get the new house together. She def. does not want to do it herself and she is always tired when I talk to her, so I think it would be a good idea. Then I could even volunteer somewhere a couple of hours a week (my therapist suggested it) and I would feel like I was doing something useful with my life.
I don't know if I just sound crazy, spoiled, unappreciative or what, but its how I feel. I really just want to become cultured and know about the world rather than just about the western part of America. Maybe because I know first hand how short life is I am having such strong feelings on this issue, but I just really want to travel.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Questionare
Thanks Debbie!!!
What were you doing 5 Years Ago?
1)April 2003... I was trying to survive 8th grade and my dad finding a new girlfriend
What are 5 Things On Your To-do List Today:
1) write part of my paper
2) clean room
3) go to sociology extra credit
4) take sociology quiz
5) SLEEP!!!!
Name 5 Snacks That You Enjoy:
1) chocolate
2) fruit... right now I fancy either grapes or pineapple.
3) laughing cow cheese with wheat thins
4) celery/carrots and ranch
5) beef jerky
Name 3 Bad Habits You Have:
1) major procrastination!!!!
2) finding "better" things to do than what is really important or needs to be done.
3) making excuses for myself so I don't feel so guilty about failing at something.
If you were a billionaire...
1) pay for college
2) buy a beach house
3) buy some clothes
4) TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5) buy too much stuff
6) TRY to invest
List 5 places You've Lived:
1) Bakersfield, CA
2) Tempe, AZ
3) Orem, UT
4) Price, UT
5) Payson, UT
List 5 Jobs That You've Had
1) Babysitter for Aldrige family
2) Baby sitter for Seaney Family
3) Cheer coach for Roustabouts Cheer
4)
5)
List 5 Things That People Don't Know About You:
1) I'm scared I am going to fail at life
2) I hate the internet
3) I miss my dad more than anyone in the world
4) I judge almost everyone that walks by me... but not on purpose, it has just become habit
5) I love the way bruises feel... but I hate getting them.
What were you doing 5 Years Ago?
1)April 2003... I was trying to survive 8th grade and my dad finding a new girlfriend
What are 5 Things On Your To-do List Today:
1) write part of my paper
2) clean room
3) go to sociology extra credit
4) take sociology quiz
5) SLEEP!!!!
Name 5 Snacks That You Enjoy:
1) chocolate
2) fruit... right now I fancy either grapes or pineapple.
3) laughing cow cheese with wheat thins
4) celery/carrots and ranch
5) beef jerky
Name 3 Bad Habits You Have:
1) major procrastination!!!!
2) finding "better" things to do than what is really important or needs to be done.
3) making excuses for myself so I don't feel so guilty about failing at something.
If you were a billionaire...
1) pay for college
2) buy a beach house
3) buy some clothes
4) TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5) buy too much stuff
6) TRY to invest
List 5 places You've Lived:
1) Bakersfield, CA
2) Tempe, AZ
3) Orem, UT
4) Price, UT
5) Payson, UT
List 5 Jobs That You've Had
1) Babysitter for Aldrige family
2) Baby sitter for Seaney Family
3) Cheer coach for Roustabouts Cheer
4)
5)
List 5 Things That People Don't Know About You:
1) I'm scared I am going to fail at life
2) I hate the internet
3) I miss my dad more than anyone in the world
4) I judge almost everyone that walks by me... but not on purpose, it has just become habit
5) I love the way bruises feel... but I hate getting them.
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